After being under the false impression that I might actually enjoy the new Vanilla Coke, I can assure you I will NOT be trying the new Pepsi Blue berry cola. Gah.

I really do love the fact that Lauren talks now. She came over before and said, "butt hurt". Which sounded more like butt hut. Then she said she wanted some "pream". I checked and sure enough she's got a yeast rash. Every freaking time I eat mushrooms I wind up with burning nipples and this poor kid winds up with a yeasty diaper rash. You'd think I'd learn. It's just so hard to say no, I love my shrooms. Guess I won't be eating that huge portabella sitting in my fridge!

I've been thinking a lot about Lauren's birth and the days after it lately. She turns two in less than two weeks now. Wow. My baby is going to be two. We put in a Thomas video the other day for Joey and the music started and I swear I closed my eyes and I was back to those days just after her birth. It brought it all back for me.

I had PPD bad with Lauren. So bad I wound up going on Zoloft for a period of time because I really started to withdraw. I was doing the absolute bare minimum required to function. We watched a LOT of Thomas in those weeks after she was born. And I really grew to hate those videos. Up until recently it would drive me insane to hear the music because it reminded me of such a bad time.

But now I find myself looking back on that period of time with a lot of fondness. I really did have a tough time with nursing the first 10 weeks or so. Really tough. I think the only thing that kept me from giving up was the fact that I'd done that with Joey and I *KNEW* I didn't ever want to go there again. But I did enjoy nursing at night. Joey was sleeping in a little bed in our bedroom, and there was just something about nursing this tiny baby when everything was peaceful. I could look down and see this little one on my breast and look over and watch my husband and my little man sleeping peacefully. Things didn't seem so bad at night for some reason. Nobody was crying, nobody needed anything of me, there was nothing to do but nurse my baby. Lauren barely woke at night. She'd make a little muffled noise and I'd immediately put her to my breast. When she was done nursing I'd lay her between my legs and change her diaper, and that was it. And I did manage to sleep at night. I knew the old saying of "sleep when baby sleeps" but I never mastered that with Joey. I did learn to sleep with Lauren.

I remember that at one point DH took a shift and was working 3:30 - midnight. I would go sit out on the front steps with Joey and Lauren and wave goodbye. As soon as he would leave I'd start to cry. I watched all these seemingly happy, carefree people driving by with their windows down, breeze blowing and music playing. I felt like life was never going to be normal for me again. It truly felt like I was going to always feel bad. I'd get both kids and myself dressed for bed at 5:00 p.m. I'd start preparing for bed shortly after that. I can recall making my sandwich for dinner at 9:00 a.m. because I was afraid if I didn't prepare it and Lauren had a fussy evening I'd never get to eat. I'd get my nightstand ready with a big bottle of water and sunflower seeds or some other kind of snack. I'd make sure I had diapers and wipes right next to me. I used to turn on the TV muted so I would have light to see to get her latched.

Anyway, I heard this music the other day, and I'm thinking about that time, and I almost wish I could go back. It was such an incredible time, and looking back it wasn't so bad. I almost wish I could go back for just one night. Nursing my new, tiny baby and watching my boys sleeping. Everything quiet and peaceful. I just wish I knew then what a special time it would turn out to be. I wish I could have enjoyed it then.

I've had a sinus headache for two solid days now and it won't die. And my mom has me really confused right now.......so I think I'll think happy thoughts.......

I booked our fourth trip to Lancaster, Pennsylvania. We're going in October, in between our birthdays. I'm really looking forward to it. The motel we're staying at is a lot of fun. It's made up of all old cabooses. This time we've booked a family caboose suite so it's a little larger than the other two we've stayed in. And it's red. I had to request it since J. was adamant about staying in a red caboose. He was highly annoyed the last time we went that the caboose was blue.

We were there last October, and it's such a beautiful time of year to be there. The Amish are harvesting their crops and the land is beautiful. Lots of tall golden corn stalks and tobacco fields. Everything is a rich burnt orange, red or brown. The air is cool. You know the kind of weather that you don't need a coat but it's perfect for a nice warm sweater? We'll be visiting Cherry Crest Farms again. They have a corn maze and this year's theme is Lost in Oz and the Emerald City. Last year it was Old MacDonald's Farm and we got lost in it for an hour and a half. We only bailed because Joey was tired from all the walking and we just happened upon the one and only "trap door" that lets you out. The farm is great. You can pick your own pumpkins off the vines, pick your own popcorn right off the stalks, hay rides and all sorts of other fun things. We had such a good time there last year.

We split our time between the Amish (they absolutely fascinate me) and train things. They have a really nice 45 minute train ride to Paradise, PA. The train is absolutely gorgeous. It's old but refinished with lots of beautiful wood and gorgeous velvet. The food there is so good too. We enjoy the family style restaurants and I definitely plan on eating shoo-fly pie again this year. Last year we came home with a pie for just about everyone we knew. I can't wait to visit this one Amish family again. Last year we went to a farmstand at their house and bought pumpkins, garlic pickles, pickled peppers (LOL) and some other canned goods. I've never had pickles as crunchy as those. Yummy!

I'm really looking forward to Fall. I tend to romanticize the seasons and there's just something about the cool weather, warm sweaters, falling leaves and comforting food that really gets me.

I HATE Blogger AND Netscape at the moment. Argh.

I had a great garage sale weekend this past weekend. I spent $4.50 on a Baby Bjorn and the Baby Book by Dr. Sears and turned around and sold them for $50 on eBay. I really wish I found great stuff every weekend. I'd be thrilled if I could easily make $50 a week doing it. I've been on a selling break for quite a while now since my digital camera died. It's being repaired now and I should hopefully have it back some time next week. I'll be back into the eBay thing with a vengeance as soon as I get it back.

We had such a fun time at the concert last night. The kids had a blast and DH and I really enjoyed it. It was great people watching too (one of my favorite pasttimes). The last time I saw this group I was in a bar, probably slightly drunk, dancing like a fiend and singing at the top of my lungs. Last night was a little different. I was still singing (have I mentioned I love to sing but I have a dreadful voice?) loudly but my dancing was limited to chair dancing with a 40 lb. little guy in my lap. We got sandwiches from the pizzeria and ate them in the park before the concert. The weather was just beautiful and it was a really nice, relaxing evening.

If any of you watch the Food Network, look for my DH. He and his coworkers were at a Spanish restaurant for lunch yesterday and Bobby Flay was there filming Food Nation. DH was so excited, but I was mad. The man had the nerve to come home empty handed. He had papa rellenos for lunch and didn't bring any home for me!

I'm feeling much healthier mentally. I think a lot of it was sheer determination NOT to let myself sink like I did on Monday. The past two days I've really had to kind of fight to feel good, but today I feel much more like myself and it's not really taking much of an effort to feel like this.

I've kept myself really busy this morning straightening up our second floor. I also baked muffins from scratch this morning. I thought they were pretty damn crappy but the kids really seemed to enjoy them. Maybe the blueberry muffins they ate were better than the cinnamon (how the hell do you spell that?) one I ate.

Tonight I'm taking the kids (and hopefully DH if he isn't working) to a free concert in the park here in town. The Party Dolls are playing, and I'm really looking forward to seeing them. When DH and I were dating we rented a beach house one summer with his brother and my best friend at the time (who is now my SIL) and another couple. We used to go to this bar called Joe Pops and we saw this band often during that summer. Whenever the band was playing up North we would go see them too. We haven't seen them since we got married, pre-children. They're a really fun band (they cover 50's & 60's music) with lots of outrageous costumes and bouffant (sp?) hair-do's.

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Yoohoo........yes, you. Say hello! I don't bite, and I'm fairly sane (most days). I've had lots of people reading this blog since I hounded Larissa to add me to her links and Lucia added me to her new, lovely creation. Say hello and let me know who you are so I don't feel like I'm talking to myself!

Just a warning, this will probably be the most disjointed entry I've ever made. It's not intended to make sense, I just have so many thoughts running through my head and my hope is that if I just put pen to paper (so to speak), maybe it will help me make sense of what I'm feeling.

Today wound up going from bad to worse. I thought Bob was coming home after work, so I planned a big dinner because we haven't eaten together in days and days. I was really looking forward to it. Just as I started peeling the potatoes he called to tell me he was working late. Dinner was wonderful, I'll have to add it to my recipe box. I'm just sorry he didn't get to eat with us. After dinner I went upstairs to get something and while I was up there the kids did something they knew they shouldn't have done. I came downstairs and found it, and I lost it. I screamed so loud I made Joey burst into tears. Lauren just froze. I screamed so loud I scared myself. :o(

I yelled at them to clean up the mess they had made and I decided to put myself in time out for a few minutes. I went outside and sat on my porch swing to try and calm down. Joey came out about 10 minutes later and told me he had cleaned up everything. Bless his heart, he cleaned up his mess and his sister's. I did sit down and tell them I was sorry for yelling like that. Joey said, "that's ok mommy, you're having a bad day". Then he asked to play outside. They spent the remainder of the evening outside playing.

I talked to my mom while they were playing and she just informed me that they had a change of plans and would now be flying in for Lauren's birthday instead of driving. I'm happy they won't have to make that long trip, but disappointed because this means for sure that my grandma won't get to come.

My gram has one last thing she wants to do before she goes. She wants to come back here and see where I live. She hasn't been here since my wedding in 1996. The time before that was my HS graduation in 1987.

Anyway, when they told me they were coming my mom mentioned that they might bring my grandma if they flew. She just didn't think my gram could handle the 12 hour car ride. To be honest, it would probably be even longer than that with my gram because she's like a baby in many ways. My gram was excited about it but then her doctor's nixed the idea. They said it would be too stressful on her heart.

A few weeks ago my mom mentioned that she might see if my grandma would be up for the drive. My mom wasn't looking foward to it but she knew how much I wanted my gram here. You can't ever bring things up too early with my gram because she'll think it to death, so they hadn't asked her yet.

Well today she checked Expedia and found a great rate so they're flying. Which means in all likelihood, my gram will never get to come back here before she dies. Her health isn't good and we know she doesn't have a whole lot of time left.

I hate that I live so far away from them. I hate wondering if my grandma will live long enough to see me in November when we go down for Thanksgiving. I just miss them all so much.

On to rambling thought #2.....all these intrusive thoughts lately. One of my OCD things is fire...I obsess about it but I've dealt with it for years and years now so it's almost normal to me. I've never had these kinds of intrusive thoughts though.

What I didn't want to blog about the other day was the fact that DH and J. were away. They went to the beach for 2 nights (ended up being 1) and I was sick over it. All I kept picturing was Bob calling me to tell me Joey had drowned. Or Joey getting snatched by someone at the boardwalk. Honestly, if Bob had of told me he was going to leash Joey I probably would have thought that was a good idea. These thoughts were awful. That's why they came home early, because DH knew I was a wreck. But all the while they were driving home, all I could think about was them being killed in a car accident and I wouldn't have a husband or son.

And today all I kept thinking about was something happening to DH. He works for the electric company, and he works with live juice. They just had two guys badly burned a few weeks ago because the manhole they were in blew up. They hold exactly the same position that DH does. It scares me that he works with this stuff. Two years ago DH was standing in the road above a manhole and a woman apparently didn't see him (all 250 lbs. of him in bright orange!) and she ran him over. Luckily someone shouted to him and he saw her coming so he didn't get hurt nearly as bad as he could have. Today a helicopter flew over our house twice and god knows why, but in my head they were flying towards where he worked because something terrible had happened. ????? I know, it doesn't make any sense. But I still couldn't get the thoughts out of my head even though I knew they weren't rational.

Today while I was nursing Lauren to sleep I realized that I have never felt my grandfather in this house. We used to live in a house about 13 houses up the street from our current house. We moved when Joey was about 5 months old. Anyway, from the time Joey was tiny he seemed to stare really intently at the ceiling in his room. I would change his diaper and he'd be mesmerized. As he got a little older, he started smiling at the ceiling too. And then he started to laugh at it. There was not a damn thing up there. Nothing. I was convinced that it was my grandfather smiling down on him. Still am, actually. Joey saw something up there, of that I am certain.
My grandfather came to me in my old childhood home too, shortly after his death. I had called him, and he came to me. It scared the daylights of out me, but I am certain he was there. I know it wasn't a dream.

I felt him in our first apartment too. But I've never, ever felt him here in this house. I haven't even dreamed about him in a long time. I don't know whether that's a good thing or not. I've dreamt about him in the past and they were so real. I could feel him and smell him and he was real, and he was there and he was back. And then I wake up and I realize he's still gone and none of it was real. This March will be 10 years since he's been gone and I miss him so much it hurts. I just want him back. I want to hug him and have him rub my hair and just smell that mixture of Old Spice and cigarettes. And feel safe. Like everything is ok. I just wonder why he's never been here. Why I've never felt his presence here.

There's so much else running around in my obviously crazy brain right now but I don't think I can go on right now. I really hope tomorrow is better.

I am so out of sorts. I just had a lightbulb moment and realized there's a good chance I'm feeling like this because I started taking those BCP's yesterday. Amazingly, they seem to be doing what they're supposed to be doing. I thought maybe I'd notice a difference in a month, not in one day. My period is MUCH, MUCH lighter than it has been. That really freaks me out though (I wonder *what*, exactly, it does to cause that?). I really hate messing with my body like this, I just don't know what else to do. These problems have been going on long enough. I'm concerned about my milk supply suffering. Every time Lauren nurses I listen carefully to make sure I still hear her swallowing. This mood I'm in is just awful though. It must be bad because DH asked me this morning why I seem so angry.


Lauren isn't herself either. I'm not sure if it's teething, her ears or she's turning two. My normally sweet, laid back girl has spent the past week or so whining a whole lot and throwing herself down on the floor if something pisses her off. She's at another developmental stage, she's learning to talk, so maybe that's it? Speaking of, I just love, love, love the fact that we can have conversations now. She looks so cute knitting her brows together as she thinks about what she wants to say. I did something last night that made her belly laugh, I don't remember what. And she said, "mommy funny". How cute is that?

I feel very tired. Like I could sleep for a day or two. I have a few things weighing heavily on my mind, that could easily be contributing to my mood too. Hoping for a better day tomorrow.

I have something that is bothering me. Nothing huge, but things just aren't *right* in my little world and won't be for a few days. I just don't feel comfortable blogging about it until things are back to the way they should be.

Sorry, what a sucky entry. I fully meant to blog about it and then realized that probably wasn't the smartest thing to do.

Hmmm....let me think of something interesting so you don't go empty handed. Hmmm........Oh! I know. My toes are stuck together. Yes, I have webbed toes. It's the two next to the big toe (let me hear a big 'ol eeeewwwwwwwwww). My grandmother has them, and her grandmother had them too. If I have a granddaughter, she'll most likely have my feet. It's not so bad really. I kinda like them. They're only stuck half way up. Makes my toe ring sit in an interesting spot, LOL. And they make me unique so that's cool. No jokes about how I must be a good swimmer, K?

There is a God

I have this telemarketing company that calls me every day. Problem is, as soon as I pick up it hangs up. They call 2-3 times a day (I can tell who they are by my caller ID). Most annoying.

I finally had it today and started doing some investigating. I have not been able to ring back on any of the numbers coming in. Called information and asked for their main number, and when I called them, I got immediately disconnected.

So I called my phone company to ask if there was anything I could do. To make a long story short, there isn't.

I finally came upstairs, turned on my PC to do a little more investigating. And the phone rang. I felt it was them calling again, even though I just received a phone call 45 minutes ago. It was them, but this time, get this....a real live human answered. THANKYAJESUS (to coin the phrase of a phat man I know).

I went on a 5 minute rant on this poor soul, but bottom line, I demanded to be put on their Do Not Call list. If they call me again I'm going to haul their sorry asses into Judge Judy's courtroom. I'VE HAD IT!

I should be cleaning right now. I have two of my old coworkers coming over for lunch tomorrow, and Joey has a friend coming over to play on Friday. My house is dirty. Deep down dirty. It's nearly impossible to clean with the kids. Joey isn't so bad really, but Lauren just undoes whatever I've just done. I must have put away things two and three times yesterday before she finally let them stay put. Our playroom is actually disgusting. The kids have a little table and the eat breakfast in there sometimes, and usually have all their snacks there. We have a toybox as well as a toy bin, and both of those seem to have mounds of dog hair in them. Nothing is in its place. We also have a bookshelf with plastic lidded containers (I labeled them too, when the shelf isn't a mess they look so nice and organized!) that contain different arts and craft things, play-doh, rubber stamps, construction paper, stencils, crayons, etc. On top of the shelf are all the play-doh sets (Fuzzy Pumper Barber Shop is the favorite here), puzzles, and other arts and craft sets. It's a mess too right now. It looks like someone detonated a bomb in there. I plan on tackling that when Lauren naps, and hopefully 1-2 hours will be enough time to clean the damn thing.

I went to the grocery store and spent $167 (!!!) on basically not a whole lot. I have a real knack for spending money at the grocery store. I easily spend $100 a week. I wonder why it always seems like we have no food though.

You know it's time to shave your underarms when your not-quite-two year old sticks her fingers in your pits while nursing and pops off to say, "Hay-uh". My little southerner.

At this point, I'm going to assume that something is seriously wrong with the editing on Blogger at the moment. I can't be THAT stupid. Oh hush, I know there's a good chance the problem lies with me but I really don't think it's me! I'm going to watch Kate and Leopold and escape my blogish nightmare for the moment. At least my comments and archives are back. I wonder if there is anyone out there brave enough to add or delete one of their links and see what happens to them. Cause I really don't think it's me, but I'd like to know for sure!!! Anyone, anyone?

That's it. I'm convinced Blogger is fucking possessed. All I wanted to do was add KWK to my links. Easy, even for a computer illiterate dummy like me. I give up, I'm going home. No time or energy to fix it right now.

So this is what I get for garbage picking. We put a ton of plastic at the curb last night...this morning there were only two things left...a tiny ride on truck and the Today's Kid rocker. I didn't feel bad tossing the things, it was really beginning to look like a Little Tyke's factory exploded in our backyard. Most of the stuff I tossed I garbage picked anyway, so it's not like I spent any money on it. I'm happy those toys are being recycled and a child somewhere has something new (well, new to him/her!) to play with.

My grand plan of cleaning up the yard came crashing to a halt this morning when I drove down a side street and passed by nearly new looking plastic. I had NO idea what it was, but it looked brand new and I knew it was Step 2. I drove by 3 times and then decided NOT to get it because I had no idea what it was and because I wanted to try and take from the yard, not ADD to it. But Joey insisted he wanted the "race car" so I finally gave in and decided to pick it.

And wouldn't you know the owner of the house came out????? How embarassing. She was very nice though. I asked her if she minded if I took it (she didn't) and we chatted for a few minutes. I never thought to ask her what it was and she never mentioned.

I got it home, and started to take it out my minivan, and I realized that what I picked won't be going in our yard. Take a look.

http://store6.yimg.com/I/indoorsandoutdoors_1696_4441282

Bob suggested we try to sell it, and use the money to buy something new for the kids. I told Joey that and he suggested that we sell HIS bed and he could use this one, LOL. My little negotiator.

I also garbage picked a Pooh ball that looks brand new. It really amazes me the stuff that people throw out.

It's the simple things that make me happy.

Sitting outside on a beautiful day eating dinner with my family. Grilled steaks, fresh Jersey corn-on-the-cob, and a simple salad of sliced ripe tomatoes and red onion drizzled with olive oil, balsamic vinegar, salt & cracked black pepper. Oh, and some thinly shaved fresh parmesan cheese on top. Yummy.

What I accomplished today:

-Woke up feeling completely refreshed and without a headache.
-Made my bed.
-Made the kids a great breakfast.
-Got us all showered.
-Got everyone out of the house at a decent hour, picked up my missing items from the grocery store and browsed the party store in preparation for Lauren's party.
-Took a long walk with Lauren in the jogging stroller while Joey rode his bike.
-Finally decided on a theme for Lauren's birthday party next month (hush, I like themed birthday parties).
-Went to the craft store to buy silk flowers to make Lauren a crown of flowers for her picture.
-Picked up the digital camera Biggie B was kind enough to loan me.
-Created Lauren's invite EXCEPT for the picture I plan to take tomorrow with the dig. camera.
-Printed the envelopes.
-Started the crown of flowers. Almost done. Just need to add the little white flowers. Looks cute (if I do say so myself).
-Vegged out on the couch and watched Sesame Street with Joey while Lauren napped. I really enjoy quiet time with Joey.
-Cooked chicken cordon bleu for dinner (YUM) after setting up the kids with different play-doh sets so they'd leave me in peace to cook. Then I actually cleaned up my mess.
-Played outside with the kids for an hour after dinner.
-Got both tired kids asleep by 7:45 p.m. WAHOO!!!!!!!!!

What a crappy day I've had. It started with my niece coming over and trashing the toyroom (with my kid's help of course), and pushing the daylights out of my kids. She just turned two, and my SIL is really concerned that she's such a bully, but I'm just getting really tired of it. I love my niece, I just wish she would get it that it's NOT ok to keep doing that. I know, repetition, repetition, repetition.

I was worried about my mom all day and had to leave for Joey's speech appointment before my SD had called to let me know how things went. So I had to leave not knowing. Joey was tired and cranky and therefore didn't want to do the work. He had a meltdown there and this ST wants to blame everything on his "behavioral" problems. Um, do you think she listened at ALL the FOUR times I told her 1:00 p.m. in the middle of the afternoon was NOT a good time for him (yes, he still naps). Today was important too because she gave me some homework, and was trying to explain what B. and I needed to do and I barely heard a word she said because he was throwing a hissy fit (because the wrapper on the lollipop was red but the flavor was rootbeer). It took all I had not to shriek at the top of my lungs, I was reaching my breaking point and I felt like my head was going to explode (oh, did I mention I have a nasty headache too?????). I finally got them into the car and they fell asleep within 5 minutes (thank the Gods).

I then had the brilliant idea to go grocery shopping since I haven't been in 9 or 10 days. I'm not a smart woman. It wasn't TOO bad, unless you consider the fact that Joey said, "I want to go home" each time we walked down a new aisle. Word to the wise: it's not a good idea to go grocery shopping when you're tired, hungry, crabby and worried. So you can imagine how proud I am of myself when I managed to walk out of there with only a few junky things. I only bought two sweets, a package of Thomas' English Muffin Toaster Cakes (chocolate chip) and a small box of expensive wafer cookies with chocolate and hazelnuts. BOTH OF WHICH THE FUCKING BAGGER DIDN'T PUT IN MY FUCKING CART. AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

So when I came home and DH was in stupid man mode (sorry, he sometimes is) he royally pissed me off. He was very nonchalant about my mom and that REALLY pissed me off. So I sent him away with the kids to go swimming at his moms. As soon as he walked out the door I made a lunge for the cookies. And couldn't find them. I saw that he was just pulling away so I ran outside and demanded to know where my fucking cookies were. He didn't know, didn't recall putting the cookies away (he put the groceries away while I talked to my mom). OK, fine. I sat down and sulked and then remembered the chocolate chip muffin toaster thingies. I went to get one of those, and couldn't find those either. THAT is when I realized the fucker didn't put them with the rest of my groceries. So out of the 56 items I purchased (it tells you on the receipt, I didn't actually COUNT them), they misplaced TWO of the items. It just happened to be my sweets. They couldn't have lost my green beans or tuna fish? Fuckers.

I want Linda. My meeting with this new doctor was ok. I was strangely comforted by the fact that she was black (Linda is black). I guess because there was something about her that was similar to Linda. That's where the similarties ended though. She's nothing like Linda. Don't get me wrong, she was perfectly nice and all, and didn't run screaming from the room when I told her I was still nursing an almost two year old (holy crap, Lauren turns TWO next month). I did get a chuckle out of the nurse. I had told her that I was breastfeeding (didn't mention the age thing) and she clapped her hands together and said, "I'm SO happy to hear it, I LOVE to hear that, I have this GREAT booklet for you". Before I could stop her she had run out of the room to get said booklet. It was the beginning breastfeeding booklet put out by Motherwear, LOL. I thanked her and then told her that my "baby" was almost two so I probably wouldn't be needing it.

Long story short, she seems to think I have dysfunctional uterine bleeding. Her plan of action is birth control pills to try and regulate my period (have to look into this though, I know you can take them while nursing but I seem to recall something about them lowering your milk supply? Dunno...need to look into it). She also gave me a referral to go have a pelvic ultrasound to see if that shows anything. As for my innards falling out, LOL....she did an exam and said that my bladder prolapse is more on the mild side than mild to moderate. At this point she does not feel like I should consider surgery, however she does think I need to go see a urologist to figure out this urinary incontinence thing. She wants me to call my PCP to get the referral to the Urologist.

It's lovely getting old.

I took Joey to see Lilo & Stitch today. We both enjoyed it, me moreso than Joey. I can't even make it through a Disney flick without crying. I'm such a goober.

Tomorrow I'm finally going to meet the gynecologist my midwife recommended. I've been having some problems for many months now, and they've been getting worse, not better. Linda (my midwife) finally told me she thought I should probably take the next step and meet with this doctor to try and figure out what is going on. I've been waiting for about six weeks now. I'm used to calling Linda and seeing her immediately, so this is taking some getting used to.

Linda will not be in private practice come September. I still get emotional when I think about it, even though she told me six months ago. I feel so comfortable with her and feel like she really knows *me*. I can't imagine having that same type of connection with someone else, and I'm going to be really sad to see her go. I can't even begin to think about finding another midwife right now. I don't feel rushed to do it. We don't have any immediate plans for a third, and I just had my yearly checkup in February. I guess I can always use this new GYN until I find someone. I'm just really not looking forward to finding someone I click with, and going through the whole history thing.......I just want Linda. She knows me. She's held me while I cried, she was instrumental in my having the kind of birth I wanted, she's funny, she's laid back, she listens, she cares, she's way cool, she helped bring my daughter into the world. I'm really going to miss her.

My nails are gone, I bit them off tonight. I'm surprised I lasted this long. Once they start to break I usually wind up biting them off. I've broken three in the past week and I made it this far without chewing the rest off. There's something about the uneveness (is that a word?) of it all when one breaks. I like symmetry and things that are balanced, and when they're not all perfect or the same, I feel the need to make them so. So now they're all perfectly bitten and even.

Something really, really unusual happened today. I lost track of time. And I was almost *LATE* for an appointment, something that NEVER, EVER happens. For some reason I thought I had more time. Once I realized what time it was, I raced around the house trying to get us packed up. There was no time for lunch, so I stopped by Wendy's and picked up lunch figuring the kids could eat in the car (which I don't like to do because I'm afraid they're going to choke).

I was starving, so I picked up something easy for me to eat in the car, chicken nuggets and fries. I ate a few fries and they just didn't taste right. A few minutes later I tried a nugget and it really, really tasted nasty. And then out of the blue I thought about maggots while I was taking a bite of the nugget and that was it. I may never eat one again (but that wouldn't be a bad thing, now would it?).

I wound up being on time much to my relief. Joey really seems to like this speech therapist and enjoys the sessions. Bob wanted me to ask her if she could work on his voice level but I think it's just wishful thinking, LOL.

So here I am, my babies are asleep and I'm enjoying a leftover grilled chicken breast that I cut up in put in a salad of mixed baby greens (arugala is yummy). I grated some fresh parmesan cheese in it too. It tastes delish, and I have no thoughts of maggots. I hope no one was eating when they read this.

Tonight I am going out to dinner with two of my oldest friends. They both live on the shore about an hour and a half away. They're coming up here since it will give me time to nurse Lauren down to sleep, and they figured I wouldn't want to go too far after Sunday's trip. They figured right. I know I'll have a great time, I always do when I'm around these two. We met over 14 years ago at a company we all worked at and became fast friends. They've known me since before I was legal to drink, and we have a lot of great memories together. It'll be nice to get away for a few hours tonight.

Sssshhhhhhhhh....don't tell anyone, but after a 10 minute battle (in my head of course), I walked on the treadmill this morning. It felt good. I went to the grocery store last night and my fridge is filled with bing cherries (are they not the yummiest things on the face of the earth?!), salad stuff, fresh green beans, nectarines, blueberries, melons and all sorts of yummy summer stuff. We're having grilled chicken tonight (marinated in freshly grated ginger and teriyaki sauce), rice and green beans in garlic. I also haven't eaten one morsel of crap today. Who cares if it's only 1:46 p.m., I made it this far without eating junk and that is an accomplishment. I also drank water today. Let's hope tomorrow is another good day.