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Oh good God, what have I done. Today turned into a big huge eating fest. I also didn't go to WW. I could have gone, but I would have had to go with both kids and would have just been able to weigh in. But I didn't want to do that. I could have woken Bob up and gone without the kids, but he worked really late and I didn't want to do that. But the real reason I didn't go is because I didn't know how it would go. The scale looked basically the same as it did last Saturday. And I just didn't feel like going for "just a little". Just a little loss. Just a little gain. Just a little of the same.

Which, in hindsight was a really, really bad idea. I have never had a day like today, like it was a free for all. I couldn't even begin to point it if I wanted to. I didn't eat a lot of one thing, just a little bit of everything. I'm due to get my period, and I know that played a part. But I don't want to excuse it. And I really don't want to have another day like today. I can honestly say I lost the last 53 pounds without sacrificing too much. It's not like this is hard. I still get to eat lots of great foods I love. So there really isn't a good reason to go wild like I did today.

Anyway, it was a lesson learned for me. I do better when I'm there. So I will be there next Saturday (or possibly tomorrow) even if I KNOW for sure I'll have a 3 lb. gain. At least then I'll know where I'm at and what I need to do to fix it. Not going is just a bad idea.

~~~Happy Birthday to the bestest Biggie in the whole wide world, my friend, my sounding board, my partner-in-crime~~~

I am just loving this weather. I can't remember the last time we had 4 nice days in a row. And it's going to be beautiful tomorrow too! The kids are playing so nicely together, nothing to mediate...it's heaven! I can actually sit outside on my covered swing and read. Lovely!

And you know what else is lovely? Really being a size 10. I walked into J. Jill today and grabbed some lovely size 10 pants off the rack and tried them on (with a size Large cute, short sleeved zippered mesh sweater). They zipped and buttoned right up. It was a Moment. I'm faced with reality. I am a size 10. But I don't SEE a size 10 when I look in the mirror, I really don't. I still see a fat woman. It's almost like I'm having a battle in my head. The size 10 Renee against the size 20-22W Renee. I keep making up excuses for why I really can't be a 10. At first it was, "well Old Navy probably carries their sizes large, even though you fit into their 10 you're probably really a solid 12" (which is still kick ass mind you!). Which is why I went into J. Jill. I probably sat in that dressing room for a good 5 minutes staring at myself in my bra and those pants. I couldn't use that as an excuse anymore, so I sat there telling myself that even though I am a size 10, I don't look like I'm a size 10, I still look like a 200+ pound woman. Because that's what I see...even though I know that reality is size 10 does not equal HUGE, so therefore I am NOT huge, I still see a very overweight woman. My MIL tells me I still look at myself through fat glasses, and I guess she's right. I wonder if there will ever be a day (I'm guessing when I get to goal I'll be an 8???) that I look at myself and don't see a fat woman staring back at me. Will it ever feel real? Will I ever be able to look at myself and really acknowledge that I am not overweight?

And as for weight, I have nothing exciting to report for this week. If I weighed in today, I would have posted a very small gain, a very small loss or a maintain. I honestly wasn't expecting too much after losing 3.4 last week. And I honestly wouldn't be too disappointed if I show a gain tomorrow (providing it's not a big one!). I may not get to go though, depending on Bob. If I can't get there tomorrow, then I'll go to Sunday's meeting.

You know what one of the best things about beautiful, sunny days is? No, it's not that my kids drop from exhaustion at the end of the day because they're so worn out. It's not the lovely tan I'm developing. It's not sitting in the teeny tiny little blowup pool with my kidlets. It's not that the squabbling is almost non-existant now.

It's the fact that my house has been clean for 3 straight days because we've been outside all day long. Yay for the simple things.

What a day! We had Bob home today, so we ran a bunch of errands and then did a little shopping. I had bought some shorts a few weeks ago, same style, one in a size 14, the other in a size 12. I can no longer wear the 14's without a belt, they're THAT big, and the 12's were kind of big already. So I came home with two new pairs of shorts in a size 10. A ten folks. A ten, a ten, a ten. ONE ZERO. Ten. 10. Thank goodness they were on sale. I will be listing those 14's along with some of my other outgrown clothes on eBay soon.

My mom sent me $50, my gift for losing 50-something pounds. It was to be used specifically for underwear. I have been wearing the same underwear that I was wearing 53 pounds ago. As you can imagine, it wasn't pretty. I walked into Victoria Secrets today and they were having a mega sale. I got a ton of underwear, all on sale for $2.99 a pair. I think I got 7 different thongs. :O) I also got some hugsters, boy briefs and some string bikinis. It still gives me a giggle that I can shop anywhere I want now.

I'm one of those people who has to have a lot of underwear because I can't stand washing clothes. And as long as something doesn't smell or have food on it, you can bet I'll wear it again if I'm running low on laundry. I draw the line at skivvies though, so I'm happiest when I have at least a two week supply of underwear.

My underwear drawer has never looked like it does right now. Before it consisted of white socks and white underwear (maybe the rogue flesh colored pair would slip in). It's so colorful now! I'm also one of those people that if they like something, they'll buy the same in multiple, just in different colors. I'm happy to say all my underwear are different. So cool!

My little (ha!) BIL had his high school graduation tonight. I got so teary eyed. When I first met him he was just about Joey's age, maybe a little older. He was 7 when Bob and I started dating. And now he's taller than Bob, and fresh (that 18 year old thing again) but cool and I just love him. He makes me crazy as most 18 year olds can do, but I just love him. I'm glad he's my BIL, and sad that he'll be going away in September. I'm happy for him and all, but it's going to be really wierd (and quiet!) without him around.

YAY! That is all.

I've been having such a hard time at night lately. I've been in bed for over an hour, but I start thinking about my gram, I get to crying and then I just can't fall asleep. I just got up so I could Google focal seizures. I replay the last moments of her life over and over and over again. I worry that she was scared. I wonder if she was actually gone before that seizure even started. Was she dead already and the seizure was just her brain shutting her body off? I worry that I didn't say the right things. I told her over it was ok to go. But maybe that wasn't what she needed to here. On the day before she slipped into the coma, while doing her yelling, "Nurse!" thing, she turned to me and said, "are you ashamed of me?". I feel terrible she even asked me that. Her yelling (she couldn't control it and really wasn't even aware she was doing it) scared me, and it made me sad because I'd never, ever heard my gram raise her voice, but be ashamed of her? Never. I told her I could never be ashamed of her. I hope she believed it. This woman, who loved me like no one else ever has....there's nothing about her that I could ever be ashamed of. I thank God that I stayed with her at night. It was hard to be away from my babies, but I know I did the right thing. I know it comforted her that I was there, even if she couldn't communicate that to me. I just can't believe she's not here anymore. I hide all this from Bob. It's so personal, so private, that I don't want anyone to see me like this. I think that's why I wait till nighttime to grieve. I can cry and no one bothers me. I don't have to talk, I don't have to explain. I can just cry. I'm just worried this is becoming a habit....I haven't slept good in a long time. I know this is disjointed and rambly, but sometimes I feel like I just have to get it out...the words go straight from my brain to my typing fingers...I don't try to make sense of it.

Wow, I'm starting to see the weight loss in my face. You can see some jaw bone and everything. It's funny, because everyone has said how much they can see the loss in my face, yet I still saw a big old round moonpie face. I still have an extra chin or two, but hopefully they'll disappear soon.

And speaking of bones, if I hunch my shoulders up, I can see my collar bones! If I stand just right you can see them. I'll have to try and perfect that stance. The other night (please don't ask me why I was doing this because I'm honestly not sure) I was laying down and I felt in between my breasts. And I felt this really hard bump. I completely freaked, thinking something was wrong with me, until I realized it was my breast bone, LOL. I've had so much padding over these bones for such a long time that I don't remember what it's like to feel/see them.

Hot damn. Maybe this eating MORE thing really does work. My scale was down a few pounds this morning into brand new territory. I don't know whether to chalk it up to I was just due to finally go down, or whether it really is because I'm eating more. I'm going to lean towards eating more, if only because I'm feeling much more human since I've upped my food intake. Knowing my luck, it'll all creep back up before Saturday, but seeing 160 on the scale this morning (and it very briefly dipped into the 150's) was a thrill, even if it only lasts one day.

I did something terrible today. I picked up my Lidia book (for the first time in six months). I've got the urge to cook, and I'm thinking of tossing our Saturday Night Take-Out for a big huge cookfest. And not just one thing, I want to cook a multi-course meal. I'm thinking Mozzarella en Carozza as an appetizer, salad with The Good Dressing, a pasta course (probably Penne ala Vodka) and then Chicken Valdastano (chicken breasts with prosciutto and fontina cheese in a white wine/tomato sauce). I may even be brave and daring and make the side she suggests with the chicken, Braised Lentils. I've never eaten a lentil before in my life. But six months ago, I never would have thought of eating squash and here I am now, a squash loving fool. I'm not sure my stomach is big enough to eat all that stuff now, but just a little taste of everything would be wonderful! And I'd need to invite friends over because there is no way I'd cook all that for just Bob and I.

We are looking at remodeling our bathroom over the summer. I want to know exactly how much things are going to cost before we jump into it, so we started pricing tubs/sinks/commodes. I picked out a beautiful standard sized whirlpool tub. It's really reasonably priced too. That was the one thing I would have budgeted more money for, because I am a Bath Person. I could sit in my tub every night of the week. It's my form of relaxation. I even climbed in the tub in the showroom, I wanted to make sure it "fit". After I picked out a tub, I found a toilet. It costs more than the tub. ;o) We will probably find something else because I just can't see spending $900 on a toilet, even if it is really darn pretty. It's still just a poop receptacle!

I think I'm thinking clearer about this whole weight slow down thing. I had a nice conversation with my chiropractor yesterday, and it left me feeling a little bit better. Then I did some research last night, which made me feel even better. One of the things I read last night was what is goal but one long plateau. It really made me think that this is the perfect opportunity to learn how to maintain my weight loss. I could just get frustrated and say screw it. Eat what I want. Quit exercising. But that'll only get me where I was. And I don't want to go there again. So I think this will be a lesson in patience for me, and a chance to learn how to keep facing this weight loss thing even when I'm not losing (or losing ounces). Because eventually I will get to where I want to be. I'm sure it'll feel great to get there, to be wearing smaller clothes, to feel wonderful about myself. But a lot of the excitement will be gone I think. There won't be new sizes in clothes. I'll be fit. There will be no more losses to share. I have to learn to maintain my weight loss without a lot of the positive feedback (smaller clothes, being able to do more, compliments, etc.) that I'm getting now.

That said, I do not intend to just sit and wait this out. Today I'm starting the Wendie Plan, which is just the WW plan switched up. You can do a Google search on it and find out all the info behind it. I still stay in my points range, but you vary the points over the week. I really do think part of the problem is that my body got very used to what I was giving it. And there came a point in time where I was so happy with my losses, and was greedy, so I decided I needed to do more, more, more. If I lost weight exercising 3 times a week, what would happen if I exercised 6 times a week? If I lost weight eating 24 points a day, what would happen if I dropped to my minimum? I lost weight eating no carbs on Fridays, so forever on I'll deem Friday a no-carb day. And then I'll eat my fill of junk food on Saturday. I think two things happened. One, my body just got used to the very predictable pattern. And the other, I think maybe I wasn't fueling my body enough. Eating way low on my points and exercising a lot...I think my body has started to worry that it wasn't getting enough and has slowed down my furnace!

I'm not expecting a lot, but it makes me feel better to think I'm doing something instead of just sitting here waiting for my body to decide to start shedding at a decent rate again. I've set up the Wendie Plan so that my very high day is on Saturday, I will still be eating my banked points on that day. It'll look like this for me: Day 1 - 20, Day 2 - 25, Day 3 - 21, Day 4 - 35, Day 5 - 20, Day 6 - 24, Day 7 - 22. I'm starting wierd, I'm actually starting on Day 7, but tomorrow will officially start Day 1 for me so my high day will fall on Saturday. I'm hoping that by feeding my body more it will decide I'm no longer starving it and will not hold on so tightly to all this poundage. Hopefully it doesn't all backfire on me and I have a 5 lb. gain on Saturday (eek!). I have to say, I need to get away from 165 soon before I lose my mind. I have hovered just below, on or just above 165 for weeks now, and it's making me crazy.

Well today turned into the day from hell. I got no sleep last night, had a horrendous sinus headache that JUST went away, and then didn't hit 50 lbs. Blah. Bob did pick up his new truck today, and I am so happy for him. It's big, it totally *fits* him, it's fully loaded, and he deserves something really cool like this. He works really, really hard to support us. It's the first car he's ever had with power anything. Before you go feeling all bad for him, he does have a 1971 bright yellow Datsun 240Z stashed away that is his baby. He's restored the outside and the inside has been a work in progress for years now. That is his true love. But still. He deserves this nice new (to him) truck. We drove around in it all day today visiting some family and friends, and ran a dozen or so errands. It was a loooong day. The kids didn't nap, and you could tell they were tired by the way they were acting. We fed them and put them to bed early, and then we had dinner and watched a really stupid movie together. And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to give my husband an early Father's Day present. ;o)

49.6 pounds. Grrrrrr.

Update: I guilted myself into getting on the treadmill. There really wasn't any reason for me not to. I just allowed myself the treat of only staying on it long enough to earn one activity point (and a little extra for good measure). I have to be honest though...if I get on my scale tomorrow morning and it says what it said this morning...I won't be going to weigh-in. I know that's a crappy attitude, I just don't want to deal with a gain. If it's too close to tell, I'll go and take my chances. But if it's completely obvious I'm going to have a gain, well then I'm sleeping in tomorrow. As far as eating and water go, I'm right on track. I've kept it fairly light again today so far, and I've had 3 25 oz. bottles of water so far (and will have another with dinner). I still suck though.

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Well, as you can gather I lacked control over my eating the other night. I'm trying to figure out why I sabotage myself. You'd think being a measly 1 lb. away from 50 lbs. would make me do whatever it takes to hit it on Saturday. But you'd be wrong! I think I consumed enough salt and sugar on Wednesday night to last me a lifetime. Why, why, why do I do things like this?

Yesterday I was hell bent on trying to salvage this week's weigh-in. I drank about 14 glasses of water, spent a total of 60 minutes on the treadmill, ate fairly light. And what am I doing today? Not a damn thing. I would rather poke my eyes out than get on that treadmill. I've exercised for the past 5 days, and I just don't feel like it. At all. So I'm not going to. I know I should. If I want any chance of losing what I gained over the past few days, I should. But I'm not gonna. So yes, I *DO* suck.

I caught a few minutes of the Wiggles this morning and I realized something gross about one of them. They were doing their caveman skit and they all had on Fred Flintstone-like tunics. Greg (the yellow Wiggle) had dark hair sticking out of the back of the neckline on his. I thought maybe it was part of the costume, but none of the other Wiggles had hair coming out of the back of their necks. Eeeewwwww. Greg the Hairy Wiggle. He's still a hottie though, hairy back and all.

I suck. I have no will power. I'm weak.

I'm going to see a friend tonight, I haven't seen her in about a year. She's one of my oldest friends, we just haven't been so great about making time for each other lately. We had plans to go out on Feb. 19, but we got that President's Day blizzard and we had no choice but to cancel.

We're going to Chili's, because I can eat on program there. I had planned on having the Guiltless Grill Chicken Platter, but I'm feeling kind of pukey and it doesn't sound appetizing at all. I still haven't eaten yet today, and I think when I do it's going to be some toast. I've been nauseous for the past two nights, and now it's extending into the daytime. Blech. I hate feeling like this. I also feel like taking a nap, so I'm fairly certain I'm brewing a bug. Yuck. I just want to make it through tonight because I don't want to cancel on her. Besides, I need the break for my sanity.

Shamelessly stolen from KP. I have to admit...I really thought I would have nabbed the "Pottymouth Extraordinaire". See, I'm not that fucking bad.


How much of a pottymouth are you?

Hmmm...I blogged yesterday but it obviously never posted. Oh well. There it is down below.

We finally have a beautiful day (just in time for rain much of the week). I sometimes feel like it's never going to be summer. I still have winter stuff in the kid's drawers because I'm afraid to take them out. I can't wait to pack it all up.

We got the Disney video in the mail yesterday and watched it last night. The kids are really looking forward to going, and so am I. I just hope it all works out with the IL's. The last time I stayed overnight with them anywhere was when DH and I were dating. Speaking of which, today is our dating anniversary. We started dating 11 years ago today.

My mom told me last night that she and my step-dad will be here for Christmas. I'm really looking forward to having them here. Bob has to work a shift and will be working Christmas Eve, Christmas Day night, our anniversary and New Year's Eve. Ack! He also has a shift on July 4 this year. He has a really sucky shift schedule this year. He usually only has to work 2 shifts a year (but often takes them for his coworkers if they are in a bind so he usually works 2-3 more). It just figures that this year he gets two holidays. At least he'll be here Christmas morning.

I just got back from the grocery store. This week's dinner theme is grilled foods. Grilled chicken breasts, grilled pork loin, grilled london broil and grilled turkey tenderloin. I'm keeping it simple.

The kids are going down for a nap in a few minutes (Joey bargained with me...I said he could stay up and watch Monster Garage tonight if he napped this afternoon) and I'm going to jump on the treadmill. I went almost 3 1/2 miles yesterday, and it felt so good. I only planned on staying on for 30 minutes but I just kept going. I'm only planning on 30 minutes today, but hopefully will be motivated to stay on for 45 minutes or so. I had Bob set up our bench yesterday so that I can work on my legs too instead of just focusing on my upper body. I can't wait till my arms lose a little more weight and I get some nice guns. They are way more toned than they used to be, but I want bumps and lines!

I visited the chiro again this morning and while we were waiting, the kids started talking about my gram. Lauren wants her to "come back down" so she can see her again. Joey said he wanted to go back to SC so we can find a stone and visit great-grandma. He's only been to a cemetary once, and that was over a year ago, it must have made some kind of impression on him. Anyway, I was fighting back tears and almost lost it.

Grrrr...I haven't been able to log onto Blogger in a few days.

I lost 1.2 lbs. this week. Total is 49. I'm THRILLED (I have to say that or Biggie might walk up to my house and kick my ass). Really, I'm very happy because I didn't expect to lose that much. But 50 would have been really cool (yes, I am a greedy, greedy girl).

It's beautiful outside today. Lovely! I am planning on straightening my hair today. I was supposed to do it this morning, I even got up early and exercised first thing to get it out of the way, but I just didn't get around to doing all I needed to do. I need to transform this curly mess.

Joey has ice hockey this afternoon. Lauren and I are going to skip out early because it's my niece's 3rd birthday party today at a kids gym. Bob's ex-girlfriend will be among the guests. I've said it before, she's perfectly nice and we get along but man does she talk a lot!

I was up a little bit on my scale this morning, and I doubt the popcorn and chicken sandwich even made it on yet. I anticipate it will show up tomorrow morning, unless I'm given another gift.

I guess I better get to straightening.

So my fingers ARE tiny. I brought my anniversary band back to our jeweler today to have it resized. I haven't worn it in about two months because it would have fallen right off. It was a size 6.5. They're resizing it to a "tight" 5. Whatever that means. It's still not the 4.5 I was when I got married, but I'm getting there! I have freakishly small hands.

We made it to see Nemo today. We enjoyed it, though a good deal of time was spent in the bathroom with Lauren going, "me change-ed my mind, don't sink I have to go now".

Bob also bought a new (to him) truck today, a 2001 Chevy Silverado Crew Cab 1500HD (or something to that effect). All I know is it's really big, and I'll never drive it. It's fully loaded with lots of things the man will never use, like butt warmers, lumbar support, OnStar and leather interior. All I care about is the fact that we'll now own 2 cars that all four of us can ride in at the same time. Joy! We won't get it until sometime next week, it's going to the body shop to have some things taken care of that Bob wasn't happy about.

I didn't exercise today. And I ate pretty poorly (about 3/4 of a kiddie bag of popcorn, no butter though...and a few sips of pink lemonade). We ate on the run between things so I ate a BK chicken sandwich. And about 5 of Lauren's fries. I feel yucky. I also didn't drink my water. I could shoot myself for having a day like this so close to weigh-in, but life happens. There will be days like this. In the big picture it's not going to matter, as long as these days are few and far between. I still feel gross from that sandwich, so I'm going to skip my nightly treat. Yeah, that'll make up for what I ate today. Sure!

I'm hoping my back feels better tomorrow and I can get back on my treadmill (I just couldn't do it, or anything for that matter, today). I won't be running though. If it doesn't feel better, I'm going to listen to my body and stay off of it.

I feel like...OMG, I just looked at my fingers and they looked so *tiny*....

sorry...anyway, I feel like things are really standing in the way of me hitting 50 lbs. this week. I'd have to lose 2.2 lbs., which is a lot, but not unreachable considering my weekly losses. I'm not really expecting it. But now I've got my period, which means I'll be retaining water. And we won't even go over that whole M&M binge the other night. And my eating has been in the mid to upper points range this week (I'm sure due to my period).

But now my chiropractor doesn't really want me doing anything strenuous. He told me that tomorrow I can walk on the treadmill at 2.0 MPH. I looked at him like he was an idiot and said, "do you *KNOW* how slow that is?". He told me he was perfectly aware of how slow it was (he just lost 50 lbs. hisself). He wants me taking nice long, slow strides. If that feels ok, then I can bump it up. A little. And if it doesn't feel good, then I need to stop immediately. He told me that he didn't think I should be running right now, basically my "shock absorbers" as he called them aren't quite what they used to be. He thinks the pounding you do when you run is aggravating it. I do have major problems with my left leg/hip, and have for years now. I really did a number on it. So I'm sitting here icing it, when I really want to climb in the tub. But he told me not to put heat on it. I'm just so frustrated. Nothing makes me sweat/feel like the treadmill does. But I'm going to take his advice, because he said if I don't ease up a little and let it heal, I could really aggravate it and then I'll be forced to be off of it for weeks or a month.

So I'll listen. But I'm not happy about it. I haven't hurt this bad in a long, long time.

I do have some blessed peace right now. Bob took the kids out and I really, really needed it. I'm at the end of my rope with them both. Joey has had a fever for the past two days, so we were inside because of that. And today it just poured so we were stuck inside again (we didn't make it to Nemo because the kids were behaving horribly and I wasn't about to attempt it alone). I'm really struggling with this whole sibling thing. I think it stems from growing up an only...I don't know what's normal and what isn't, but the bickering/screaming/fighting/yelling/tattling is just sending me over the edge. Lauren has really been testing things lately and I'm really struggling with her. She does anything within her power to aggravate the daylights out of Joey. He's such an intense, easily irritated kind of kid as it is, so I don't need anyone else doing stupid things just to piss him off. For instance, if he's building a tower out of legos/lincoln logs, she'll walk over and kick it down. Today he was coloring a picture and she walked right over and wrote on it before he could stop her. I think I'm struggling more with her because she's always been so easy going, so good natured, never caused any trouble. It's like two months ago she woke up and said, "hey, I'm 2 1/2, and I'm going to live up to that Terrible Two thing". I just don't understand why she does the things she does. Somebody tell me it'll end soon.

I think I've messed up something by running. I hurt, my leg hurts, my hip hurts, my calf hurts. I think maybe I'm not running properly. I decided that I would start the Couch to 5K program since I started running recently. I hurt so bad this morning that I didn't even want to exercise, but I did it anyway. When I came down on that left leg I really felt it. It wasn't so bad after awhile though. I'm going to visit the chiropractor today and have him check me out. My lower back is killing me too. I started to panic a little bit thinking that I really messed something up and I might have to lay off the treadmill till it heals. That would be bad.

I had to change up this weeks meals. Last night we had the oven fried chicken and it was VERY good. We were going to have the burgers tonight but I think I'm going to make the eggplant instead because it's raining and chilly. We'll grill tomorrow.

I need to get my butt in gear. We're going to see Nemo today. I will be wearing my anchor so I can hopefully resist the movie popcorn that the kids will be eating. Lauren's no help. Piece after piece, "you can have one mama" as she keeps forking over the corn. She's such a good sharer. ;o) I actually thought about popping some lite popcorn here and bringing it. How bad would that be???

Oh, and I will not be discussing that little M&M binge I had the other night. Let's just say I needed them and leave it at that.

This weeks menu, it's a Cooking Light kind of week:

Monday - Desk Set Oven-Fried Chicken Breasts (6 pts)
Tuesday - Eggplant Parmesan (6 pts)
Wednesday - Open-Faced Burgers with Onion-Mushroom Topping (6 pts).
Thursday - Rigatoni Caprese (8 pts, but it's for 2 cups)
Friday - Grilled chicken over grilled veggies

The Rigatoni Caprese sounds wonderful, it's pasta tossed with fresh plum tomato, fresh basil, diced fresh mozzarella and capers. With a little fresh Parmesan on top. Yum.

I bought a few more things today since some of my stuff is getting ridiculously big. I really am a size 12. Unbelievable.