1.6 lbs. for a total of 9.4 in 3 weeks. I'll admit it, I'm bummed I didn't hit the 10 lb. mark. And yes, I'm perfectly aware that it wasn't reasonable to expect it.

I'm doing better now than I was before...I opened up my WW book for the first time and saw how much I weighed. It was literally unbelievable. After a mild coronary and a few minutes of talking with Biggie B, I'm doing a little bit better. I've still got the Why-Can't-I-Eat-What-I-Want-And-Still-Be-Thin blues, but I'll get over it. I'm doing really well. And who cares if I'm 85 by the time all the weight finally comes off. Got to turn 85 some day, might as well be a senior hottie than a senior nottie.

The quote that stuck with me this week was "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail." One of the things that I think has really kept me focused was planning our meals WAAAAY ahead of time. So on that note, here is this week's upcoming meals: Whole Wheat Pasta w/Hot Turkey Sausage; Nicke's Chicken Saltimboca; Roast Sticky Chicken; Grilled Boneless Pork Loin Chops; and I'm going to try the Smothered "Steak" (turkey) & Onions now that I'm able to taste again.

My goals for this week are to not skip breakfast and to use less salt. The only thing I really salt is my salad, but I use way more than is good for me. I'm doing great with my journaling, excellent with getting my water in, very good about eating my veggies. I've been basically eating 3 squares and 1 snack a day so I'm really pleased that I'm not constantly snacking.

My burn from Monday? My face is now a peeling, scaly mess. Lovely.

I don't know how much more I can take of this with my Gram. And I really don't know how much more my mom can take. She is still either at the nursing home or at the hospital every day with my gram. My gram has two other living children, and neither one of them will give my mother a break. My grandmother is dying to see my aunt, and my aunt will not go see her. And my aunt hung up on my mom last night when my mom told her that she needed help, that she couldn't do this alone anymore. I have zero respect for my aunt right now for what she's doing to my mother AND my grandmother. I told my mother I hope my gram haunts her when she finally goes because she is truly being cold hearted.

And this is terrible, but I wish God would just take her. I hate that she is suffering like this. She is back in the hospital again with another infection and pneumonia. She had a bad sugar low this morning (it got down to 30), and my mother had no idea what was going on. She thought she was having a stroke or something. She started foaming at the mouth and her eyes started rolling back in her head. My mom said they started shooting her up (with insulin I guess???) and then my gram opened her eyes and said, "I'm back now". I just don't know how much more her poor body can take.

Yikes. My face looks like I've been sitting in the sun for 4 hours. I am burned, and it's not pretty.

My friend is (or was...pre-kids) an esthetician. She asked me a few weeks ago if I'd like to go to the school she graduated from and have a facial done. I've had a facial done 3 or 4 times and have never had a bad reaction. I was looking forward to spending an hour or two doing girly girl stuff and TBH, the price attracted me ($20!). I'm not sure if it was their product (Ch ristine V almy), or something up with my skin but MAN this is hideous. I'd post a picture but I wouldn't want to frighten anyone.

Going back to my gentle cleansing generic brand Cetaphil now. I think I'll be cleaning my own skin from now on. Off to go lay some more cold washcloths on my poor fried skin.

Joey is doing really well with ice skating. He had his third lesson yesterday, and Bob took both kids to the Mud Hole this afternoon for some more skating. Today Joey mastered getting up all by himself. Three weeks ago he was skating with a walker, two weeks ago he learned to skate without holding onto anyone/thing, and now he can get himself back up when he falls. Watch out world, I'm nurturing the next Wayne Gretzky. The best part of all of it is the smile that extends from ear to ear when he's out on the ice.

I got to talk to my gram today. Every time I talk to her I wonder if it will be the last conversation we have. I hate that feeling.

I can't taste anything with this nasty cold, and it's really ticking me off. Last night at dinner I tried telling Bob that the Smothered "Steak" (turkey) was bland. He disagreed. Then I told him that the baked potato with sour cream and chives didn't taste as good as it did the other day. Then I complained about the cauliflower. Then it dawned on me.....I can't taste anything, LOL. I'll have to try that recipe again since Bob and both kids really enjoyed it.

2.6 lbs. for a total of 7.8 lbs. in 2 weeks. Yay me.

And on that note, I bid you a fond farewell. I'm putting my sick ass to bed.

Waaaaahhhhh. I'm sick. Really sick. I just want to climb in my bed and not come out for a while. I slept miserably last night (though I did have this wierd dream I was having sex with my ex-boyfriend in a pool....wonder what THAT means???). I can't breathe, yet my nose is running. I'm sneezing my head off, my throat hurts, my head hurts and I just want to sleep. I vary between having the chills to burning up. Oh, and I got my period today too. Lovely.

And I have WW tonight. I so don't want to go, but I do. I really hope the scales reflect another loss, but I don't know if that will happen since I have my period. I did very poorly with points yesterday. I had only consumed about 17 points by dinner so I still needed a minimum of another 7 points but I went to bed instead. No appetite (really unusual for me) and I was soooo tired.

Anyway, I have to walk a pretty good distance from the parking garage to the meeting, it's not terribly far but when it's below zero with the windchill, it's FAR! So I am going to go, no matter how I feel, but I'm going to have Bob drop me off and pick me up once it's over. I really don't want to miss a meeting, that starts a slippery slope for me that I'm not willing to go down right now.

And can I just say I am SO tired of this weather? Enough already.

I've been in such a funk lately. I think I've figured out that I'm actually sad about Joey's upcoming birthday. He turns 5 soon, and for some reason I'm feeling really emotional about it. I'm feeling old and feeling like he's growing up too fast (he's my baby!). He's going into Kindergarten in September for goodness sake.

I keep thinking back to his birth and those first few months. I've typed out several paragraphs over and over again and I keep deleting them. I don't think I can adequately put into words my feelings about Joey. He's been a joy and a challenge, and I'll have to leave it at that.

The first few months with him were SO hard. I really believed he hated me. He cried for hours on end every day for 4 months. I knew it was colic but it was hard not to take it personally. I didn't think I'd make it to see his first birthday and now he's FIVE.

His upcoming birthday is just really forcing me to see how fast these years go by. It's making me really appreciate my time with him because I'm going to blink soon and he's going to be in college. I love seeing these amazing changes in him.

I guess I'm just completely wierded out that I basically have a FIVE year old. Five. 5. Cinco. He's five (almost). Am I wierd because I want to freeze him so he stays like this forever?

Note to self: When you have recurring nightmares of being in a hotel, looking at the window as you watch a giant wall of water approaching from the ocean, it is NOT a good idea to watch the Mega-Tsunami special on the Discovery Channel. Especially when you're in the midst of a minor insomnia episode as it is.


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I'm on track for another good week I think. J. had a playdate today and the family is Greek. A long time ago I mentioned to the mom that I loved avgolemono soup. So she made me a HUGE pot. I didn't want to offend her (plus it looked darn good!) so I had a bowl, I'll just have to point it. I had lots of room today with the meals I had planned so no biggie. We're having Lemon Pork Scallopine today for dinner with steamed rice (which has carrots, celery & onion in it) and steamed broccoli. I'm actually making a new recipe every night this week, trying to keep things interesting so I don't get bored. I think that's a big key to weight loss for me. Last night we had Chicken in a Mushroom Cream sauce over farfalle, which was decent. Nothing to rave about but it was good enough. Also on the list this week is Greek Chicken with Lemon Couscous, "Porcupines" (I love these, but this is a new recipe that I'm using ground chicken instead of ground beef), and Smothered Steak & Onions, but the "steak" is actually made from ground turkey. We're turning into poultry here. ;o)


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We bought dining room furniture this weekend. We've been looking for years and finally found pieces from two different stores. They're made from two different manufacturers but you wouldn't know. This is the CURIO we got instead of a china cabinet (and no, we didn't pay $1K for it). I love it.

Well the scales reflected 5.2 pounds. :o)

Today I met one of my idols. Lidia Bastianich did a cooking demonstration and book signing at Chef Central in Paramus (side note: I LOVE that store). I arrived nearly an hour and a half early, with Lauren in tow. I quickly realized after observing the 200 or so people already there, that it would NOT be a good idea to stay. All Lauren could see were people's legs. I didn't have my heart set on tasting anything she cooked, but I really did want to meet her. I decided I would come back later and try to get the book signed. I apparently left just before she walked out, such is my luck. I went back three hours later figuring the line would have dwindled, and it was insane. I decided to get on line anyway, behind a woman who had a 5 year old boy in a cart. I managed to snag a cart too and we waited. And played. And sang songs. And ate chips (the kids, not me). We waited for two hours, but it was worth it. At one point I overheard the manager say she had signed over 500 books, and I was still far back at the point. She was so gracious to still be sitting there. She had started an hour early, and had been signing books for over three hours. AND she wrote in your book, not just her name. She would even write it in Italian if you wanted her to. When it was my turn I thanked her for staying so long and told her that I was embarassed to bring my book since it had stains all over it and she said, "No! I love that! It tells me you use it often!". At which point Joey starts shouting at her, "I'm Joseph!". So she told him she had a Joseph too, that was her sons name and that he had an important job being a big brother. And of course she complimented Lauren on her hair, which didn't surprise me since we get it every where we go. She said she was looking forward to going home and having her soup. Now I'm jonesing to go to one of her restaurants in the city. She has really inspired me, and the way I cooked has certainly changed. I'm all about the freshest ingredients now. And simplicity. It's amazing how some good tomatoes, fresh basil and garlic can make a masterpiece.

So......if you're looking for an EXCELLENT cookbook, I highly recommend Lidia's Italian-American Kitchen. And catch her shows on PBS if you can. She has the loveliest voice.

Oh, and my book says, "To Renee, Best Wishes and Enjoy Cooking. Mangia! Lidia Bastianich".

I put on jeans two days ago and they were extremely tight. Although I feel I've been doing really well with WW, I don't feel thinner. I know, I know, what am I expecting after 6 days? After putting on those jeans it just kind of confirmed that I'm not any thinner. But I put them on again today and they fit like they did before Christmas. This morning I feel thinner than I was a week ago, I just hope the scales reflect it.

So I don't know how much I weigh (and don't plan to find out tonight either), I don't step on the scale every day like I normally would, I am not obsessing about food like I normally would, I am not snacking constantly like I normally would. One more to add to the list....I am not playing the "If I lose X amount of pounds a week I can weigh XXX by April 1 and XXX by the end of summer). This is all new for me. I like my approach.

We're having pizza tonight for dinner. I've planned to eat lighter for breakfast and lunch today and have banked lots of points this week. I know I can only use 10 banked points, but the leader said pizza is 9 pts. so I'll even have 1 left over. I'm really looking forward to my 2 slices of pizza tonight and a big salad.

Bob has been extremely supportive and he's looking to lose weight too. He's been having me portion out his food. Our plates look completely different then they did before. About half of a big dinner plate is some sort of steamed veggies, one quarter is a starch and the other quarter a protein. It's amazing how much food you can eat on WW. He's been having me pack his lunch too and has been eating lots of grilled chicken and salad. I'm glad he's following it with me.

We're going skating at the mud hole this weekend if this deep freeze stays put and the town has the sign up that it's ok. I can't wait. Enough with the snow already though. Sheesh.

I am so drained. I am beginning to seriously rethink becoming a volunteer for a certain breastfeeding support group. I'd name them, but it's against the rules, ;o). I just don't know if I have it in me. I get emotionally involved and I wind up losing sleep over situations that I have absolutely no control over. My mantra last night was, "you've done all you can, you've done all you can". Unless I can find a way to just give people the information and realize that's all I can do, I don't know if I'll be able to do it.

And today I got a not-so-nice e-mail from my sister. I don't even want to go into it. The situation is just so bizarre. I think I made it clear that I can't have anything to do with her right now. I wish it wasn't like this, I love her but I cannot have her around me or my children when she's so unstable.

And tonight I have to go to my in-laws for dinner, when all I really want to do is sleep. Somebody shoot me now.

On a brighter note, I feel like I'm doing really well on WW. I really hope the scales move, and by move I mean like 4 pounds (it is my first week and all!). I need some confirmation that what I'm doing is causing the scale to move.

I took the plunge and joined WW Friday night. I stayed for the meeting and the orientation at the end. I enjoyed the leader, though I seriously doubt I'll ever find another leader like the one I had when I joined back in 1995. I have no idea how much I weigh. I asked the receptionist not to tell me. I just didn't want to get hung up on the number. I thought that if I read the number, that's all that would be in my head all week. So I chose not to find out. I already know I'm fat, I don't need to keep obsessing about the number. I think that when I see a loss this Friday, it will be easier for me to deal with the number. I may not even look on Friday. I may ask them just to confirm that I'm eating in the correct point range and go from there. I'm not stepping on the scale every day like I normally would. I'm not obsessing. I'm making the choice to do it different this time.

We took Joey for his first skating lesson yesterday. He had such a great time, and I was so proud of him. I'm really impressed by this program our town is sponsoring. It's only $44 for 7 weeks. It's an integrated program, so half of the participants are special needs. There was a young man there who has Downs and he asked Joey what his name was. Joey answered him and he said, "I'm Tommy. My friends call me Big Tommy, so you can too". Made my heart melt. I'm impressed because I thought there would be 3 instructors out on the ice for the 20 participants, but they brought in a ton of high school boys and each of them assigned themselves to one of the kids so everyone who needed a lot of help had individual attention. It was really wonderful. I felt bad for both Joey and Big Tommy's instructors. Joey's instructor bent over the entire time and I just KNOW his back was killing him. Big Tommy decided that falling down was a BLAST. He'd fall over and over again and laugh and laugh. So his instructor spent a lot of time picking Big Tommy up. :o)

Anthony Michael Hall definitely wins the prize for most-changed teen star. He looks NOTHING like he did way back when. Seriously, go Google him and look at some recent pics. He's starring in a series on USA and I could NOT believe it when I realized who he was. I mean John Cusack was in 16 Candles with him, and he hasn't changed all that much. More filled out, looks older, but it still looks like him. Anthony Michael Hall looks like a completely different person. I loved Farmer Ted. ;o)

I'm fighting really hard not to be annoyed at DH right now. Overtime is not THE most important thing on the face of the earth. Someone asked him to cover for them New Years Day. Wound up working 16 hours at double time and a half. Then he volunteered to be on standby this weekend...and got called in at 2:00 a.m. Saturday (after my mini heart attack, he doesn't realize what it's like for the phone to ring at 2:00 a.m. when you have a sick relative). Wound up working all day Saturday. Nother 16 hours or so at time and a half.

And THEN he had the nerve to call the supervisor to tell him to make sure they called him on Sunday because he really wanted the double time. Well they did, and he worked 12 hours today at double time.

But HE HASN'T SEEN HIS FUCKING KIDS IN A WEEK!!! Yes, I'm thankful he's willing to work like that but geez louise, the kids (and my freaking sanity!!!) is important. Now he won't get to spend time with them till Saturday, so it will be two weeks. Grrrrr.....

And he had the nerve to ask me why Joey was having such a meltdown during bedtime. You know, when we were really hurting for the money, it was one thing. You do what you have to do. And to be honest, there are always bills that this money can (and will) go to. But he needs to spend time with the kids. They miss him when they don't see him and it really starts to show in how they act.

I snuck upstairs for some alone time and I could hear Joey start to tell him about this magic trick and in the middle of his story DH yells, "go baby!" because the freaking Giants game is on. Made my blood boil. Hasn't seen all that much of the kids all week and doesn't even have the decency to pay attention to Joey.

I'm having a really hard time remembering what a good guy he is today. Thankful he's such a hard worker and what not. Must keep remembering he works hard so I can stay home. I have a date with Biggie B for Thursday to go see a movie. I'm just holding out till then. I haven't stepped foot out of the house since last Wednesday I think and I'm about to lose my mind.

I'm doing something highly unusual for me. I'm going to be before 9:00!

Just to give a heads up, I plan on blogging in great detail (ha, I know THAT's hard to believe) about weight loss and dieting in the next few days. I wasn't going to...in fact I actually created a whole new blog for it that I was going to keep all to myself.

I didn't plan on sharing because I get tired of listening to myself go through this over and over again. I can't imagine that anyone else would want to listen to it either. But I changed my mind. I'm such a fickle creature. So be prepared. Be forewarned. It's coming.

I really need to clean my house. Declutter. I let things go over the holidays and I'm swimming under paper, magazines and other miscellaneous crap. I plan to start selling on eBay again after my month and a half hiatus and really need to get organized. I'm looking forward to replenishing my PayPal account....I've been eyeing a bunch of pretty Spring things on eBay for Lauren. *I* may walk around in huge, comfy grey sweats all the time, but damnit, my daughter looks great.

I got a new calendar today. There is something about a new calendar that excites me. While I transferred important dates over from the previous calendar to the new one, I thought about all the fun we had in 2002 and all the possibilities 2003 has to offer.

I ordered a Rodney Yee beginner yoga video yesterday. And I cracked out and opened my Richard Simmons Blast Off the Pounds video today (I'd insert the rolling eyes icon here if I had one). I don't know that I can walk on my treadmill every day. I figured it would be good to have some other things so I don't get bored. And as much as Richard Simmons is a fruitcake, I like the fact that he has people of all different sizes exercising. And man does that little guy have a great set of pins. I'd love to have a set of legs like his. They're just so *pretty*.

I'm really regretting that a few weeks ago I went on and on about how I couldn't wait for it to snow. I think we got more snow in December than we got all last year. And it's not ending. I need Spring.

Well, it's not perfect....but at least my archive is back up and things are better!