I lost 2.2 lbs. this week. Yay. I'm down 47.8 lbs. I am into that new decade on the scale (yeeha!). My BMI is now 29.9, which is considered overweight. Considering that I started with a BMI of 38.5, that's pretty darn good. At 38.5 I was in the category of Severely Obese, and very, very close to being Morbidly Obese. I've met my little mini-goal of getting into this new decade and now I can focus on my next goal, 50 lbs. down.

Last week my leader talked about having an anchor, something to focus on to remind you of....well, whatever you needed to be reminded of! How far you've come, not to eat, whatever works for you. I was in Kohl's the other day and found a really pretty bracelet on the clearance rack. It's chunky and has some butterflies on it. So I paid my $4 and took it home with me.

It works! The butterflies remind me of my gram and also the transformation my body is making. Yesterday the kids got Happy Meals (oh hush, it's their Friday night treat after hockey) and when I was plating it, I reached for a fry. Seeing the bracelet on that hand I eat with was like someone screaming, STOP!!!. And I did stop and tell myself that I really didn't need the fry, I wasn't hungry and there wasn't any point in eating it. I don't know if it'll always work but it's one more trick in my bag of tools to keep me going, so that's good enough for me.

Have a great weekend.

I forgot something really amusing that happened yesterday. When I went to the oral surgeon to have the tooth pulled last week, I checked the box for breastfeeding mother on one of their forms. Lauren was at Biggie B's house playing with D., I had brought Joey with me because he wasn't feeling so hot and I didn't think I should leave him. I struck up a conversation with the nurses and mentioned that I had a daughter who was at home. Then we all (the surgeon, staff and I) had a long conversation about whether I was going to have general anesthesia or just a local. And I asked about breastfeeding, I don't even remember what they told me because I decided upon the local. One of the perks of the novocaine was not having to worry about Lauren nursing.

Anyway (sheesh, could I make the story any longer???)...when I went yesterday, I brought both kids with me. Everyone ooohed and aaahed over Lauren like they usually do (the hair gets them every time). As I was leaving, the nurse said, "And you have a baby at home too?". I shook my head and told her that nope, these were it, and then I said goodbye. She looked completely and utterly puzzled as I shut the door behind me.

I couldn't figure out why and then it dawned on me that it was the breastfeeding thing. She must have been thinking, "no, she couldn't possibly be nursing that 2 3/4 year old, could she?". Hee-hee.

My scale finally moved downwards this morning, but it really wouldn't surprise me at all if I hop on tomorrow morning before Weight Watchers to see I've gained 4 lbs. My body, she's unpredictable.

I can't talk about my gram. Let's just say that reality is setting in and I'm feeling it.

Oh my. If I saw a grizzly walking down my street holding a big bouquet of balloons, it might not surprise me.

Yesterday I was driving on the highway and passed a local bar that is known to be a biker hangout (the Great Notch Inn for any of you locals). There was a man who looks exactly like Santa Claus (long white beard and big belly) standing outside of it posing for a photographer with his hands on his hips. Except he was only wearing a black cowboy hat, a black g-string and black boots. His belly was SO big. LOL. I'm so glad the kids didn't see it because I don't know how I'd explain why Santa was half naked standing on the highway. :o)

Today I saw Albert Einstein (coulda been his twin) walking down the street.

I did 30 minutes on my treadmill this morning and ran for 6 of those 30. I really thought I was going to have a heart attack, but it felt so good. It feels good to sweat like a pig. I also bumped up my weights regime. I have been using my measly 5 lb. neoprene weights to do my upper body workout, and it's not very challenging anymore so I decided to work out with Bob's 10 lb. dumbells. Yeowch. Let's just say I felt the burn. But even that feels good. Because when I'm sweating and and my muscles are burning, I know my body is doing something. I even have this cool line when I flex my arms now (which I do quite often because I haven't yet tired of looking at newly acquired muscle).

I'm not very hopeful about the scale moving by Saturday. It's been a rough week. I'm right on track with eating/water/exercise, but the scale is being a bitch. I even had a day this week where I gained 4 lbs. for no apparent reason. I think the thing that's going to keep me grounded and focused it that even if I do gain or stay the same, I know it's not because of something I did (like sitting on the couch and eating bonbons).

Got my stitches out today. Yeeha! Nobody will be poking around my mouth (heh, unless I'm feeling kindhearted towards Bob) for six more months.

I miss her so much. I didn't write this, and I don't know who did. It's beautiful though.

The one who leaves
a legacy of love
to generations that follow
has lived a life worth remembering.

The one who leaves
gentle foot prints
on our hearts
has left a story worth telling

The one who leaves
happy memories
dancing in our thoughts
has given the gift of timeless moments
worth holding in our hearts
forever.

I'm thinking I may not be doing as well as I thought I was. I just miss her so much. I look at this picture and remember how happy she was. And how happy I was. I was so afraid she wouldn't make it. You can't really see it in the picture, but there is a big scar right in the middle of her chest above the neckline that is from the bypass she had a few months before my wedding. She was so happy on my wedding day. We buried her in that dress. I miss her. I said that already though, didn't I?

I lost .6 this week. My total is 45.6. Bleh. Yeah, yeah...I know it's a loss. I know my body just dropped a tremendous amount of weight in a short period of time. I know it needs time to adjust. I know it was bound to slow down sometime. I just liked my 2 lb. a week losses. Slinking off to my treadmill now.....

Ooops, came back to add the good news. Today is week 20 so that means it was Measurements Day. I lost 1" in each arm (2.5 each arm or 5" total), 2" in my waist (10.75 total), .5" in my hips (7.25" total), 1.25" in my thighs (4" in each thigh or 8" total) and 1" in my bust (8" total). My grand total is 39" if I added correctly (which isn't likely). And that's from week 4. Boy do I wish I had of taken beginning measurements.

I had a dream this morning and in the dream I had wicked stomach cramps. It wasn't a dream. I woke up to wicked stomach cramps that have kept me in the bathroom most of the morning. It's all nerves from the upcoming oral surgery. I need to get in the shower and get ready to drop the kids off at my MIL's, but I'm procrastinating. I really don't want to go. I am hoping he gives me some kicking drugs, even if I don't need them. Vicodin would be my drug of choice. I have this feeling he's going to tell me to take some Advil though.

I'm really hurt that there have been friends that I really thought would have at least e-mailed me over my gram's death and I've really heard next to nothing from them. I know my mom would tell me to throw the "shouldas" out the window. Just because I think they should have at least sent an e-mail doesn't mean I have a right to expect it. But it really hurts. There is one friend in particular that I really thought would have said something, and she hasn't and that really stings. She knew how important my gram was to me. I guess I know I shouldn't expect anything from her now. I didn't think an e-mail was a lot to expect though. It just makes sad. I have received cards and e-mails from people I never expected which was really nice.

None of DH's family except my one SIL sent me a card. Bob's mother has this annoying habit of bringing me a Mass card whenever someone even remotely close to them dies (even if it's someone I've never met). Like she thinks I wouldn't send a card??? But yet when my gram dies she doesn't send me a card. WTF???

I really do need to quit expecting things from people. Then I wouldn't wind up hurt and disappointed.

Joey's preschool had a little show this morning. Basically the parents got to watch the kids sing with Mr. Mark and do body movement with Mrs. B. I got teary-eyed the second they walked in the room. It was SO cute.

Today Lauren laid her head down on my chest and said, "I lub you neenies" to my breasts. I said, "you love them?" and she said, "yeah, dems da bestest neenies evah". She's so cute I could eat her.

I cannot haul my big butt onto that treadmill today. It's just not going to happen. I think the weather has a lot to do with it, but I know I shouldn't make excuses. The fact is, I just don't feel like it. I got very little sleep last night and I want to lounge around in my nice warm sweats. So I'm going to.

I think I've decided what my 50 lb. reward to myself is going to be. I think I'm going to get a tattoo. To those who know me well, pick yourself up off the floor now. I surprised myself. So I, in my usual style, will think it to death first. But it came to me last night that I'd really like a butterfly tattoo. It will always remind me of how far I've come, and it will always remind me of my gram. If I get it, I will put it somewhere easily hidden. It won't be on my legs/arms/shoulders/breasts. And it will be fairly small. Cause I'm a chicken you know. But that's my plan for now. I do want to find out how losing another 25 pounds or so will affect it though. I keep having images of my friend K. She has a tattoo with her husband's name on her upper hip area. It's pretty small. Except she got pregnant with twins, and the tattoo screamed out in huge letters across part of her belly, "ED". I still get a giggle out of that. Thank goodness it went back to normal, LOL.

Testing.

I have a raging sinus headache and I've not been able to kick it yet. My niece was here for 4 hours, which I'm sure didn't help the headache. She's a, um, handful. AND we have t-ball practice this evening and I don't want to go. It's beautiful out, and I want to sit in my backyard and grill chicken and swing on my porch swing while reading the just-delivered June issue of Cooking Light. I do NOT want to interrupt it to go to t-ball practice. But I must.

I had to go to my regular dentist today so they could take x-rays for my appointment with the oral surgeon on Thursday. They happened to have a cancellation so they asked if I could have my cleaning done then. It worked out really well since Bob was home with the kids. I had an appointment scheduled for next week and then would have had to worry about childcare so it worked out well. And I didn't have time to worry myself to death about the appointment. All is well, no cavities, everything else looks pretty good except for the nuisance that will be pulled on Thursday. And now I don't have to worry for six months. I *WILL* go back in 6 months this time (and not wait 3 years!!!) so I don't make myself sick over these appointments.

I have to go to the oral surgeon today and the only reason I'm not throwing up right now is because I know he's not really going to *DO* anything today. It's just the consult. It's enough to make me terrified though. I SO wish I wasn't petrified of dentists.

I'm so sad today. I miss my grandma something fierce. I think it started to hit me last night when I kept playing those last two minutes of her life over and over again in my head. I watched her die. It was awful. And today I just miss her.

Bob's work is being aggravating and it's really stressing me out. Hopefully things will get worked out and I can quit worrying about it.

That's all I feel right now, stress and sadness. I guess it's better than what I've been feeling, which has been pretty much nothing. There's something to be said for being numb though.

On the bright side, I did 35 minutes on the treadmill and was sweating like a pig when I got off. I will more than meet my water requirements for today and my eating has been excellent today (I realize the day is still quite young though). I'm making Jagerschnitzel tonight from CL. It's basically lean pork tenderloin pounded thin with a vegetable stew (red peppers, onions, mushrooms, carrots and tomatoes) served over egg noodles. I've already prepped all the veggies so I can start cooking when I get home from the oral surgeon. I'm also trying to catch up on laundry but I'm dragging my feet because I don't feel like doing it. I must get off this computer.

I feel like I so don't deserve this...but I got my 45 lb. star today. I lost 2.6 lbs. this week and I just don't know how. I didn't exercise, I didn't drink all my water, and while I did the best I could to stay on plan, I know I wasn't at my best. I'm so afraid that next week those pounds are going to find me again.

My mom asked me if my next goal was 50 lbs. I said no. I really take this in VERY small increments and celebrate all those little milestones. I have to lose 2 lbs. to get into the next decade on the scale. Once I get there, I'll focus on the next few pounds to 50.

I just can't believe I got that star today. I really feel like I don't deserve it.

Just a few WW milestones I thought I'd share. Last Saturday I finally got into a new points range. While I'm thrilled to be here, eating less food SUCKS. Just so you know.

I've also lost 20% of my body weight so far. Cool.

I have two upcoming mini-goals. One is to see that new decade on the WW scale (I've already seen it on my scale but I loooooove my scale because it is kind and generous), which should happen hopefully within the next 2 weeks.

The other goal is really big. I am oh so close to having a having a better BMI (body mass index). A few more pounds (I think about 5 or 6) and I will no longer be considered obese. I will still be considered overweight, but not obese. I've been waiting for this for four long months, it's something I've really focused on.

I've put off my eBay thing for months now because of the uncertainty with my gram. I didn't want to have things outstanding and then have to leave...I've worked really hard to build up my rep on eBay. I have mountains of stuff that I need to get rid of. It looks like it's going to be a rainy day, so I think today is the perfect day to get started. I have two weeks left to my 10 week savings plan thing with WW so I think I'll make some money to help pay for the next one.

Bob admitted to me today that it's scary to see me so "ok". Honestly, I'm a little freaked that I'm doing so well. Except maybe I'm not doing so well. That's what scares me...what is to come? I haven't dealt with everything yet, I know that. I don't know why.

Joey was the "line leader" today at school. His line leader nametag...it was a butterfly. If you read my post at YAAPS, you'll know why that is significant. I know that it's just a coincidence, but in my heart, I really feel like my gram is telling me she's still with me.

I'm off to look through the May issue of Cooking Light and then get some much needed sleep.

Blog Sweet Blog.

I don't think I can write very much about my grandmother right now. Most of you already know that she passed away on Mother's Day morning. And that's all I have to say about that. For now.

I did wind up weighing in at WW in SC while I was there. I felt so helpless and out of control with everything concerning my gram, that it was the one thing I could do that was in my control. Something to make me feel like things were somewhat normal. And I knew she would have wanted me to go. I didn't stay for the meeting, because I had to get back, but I'm glad I did weigh in. I lost 1.8 lbs. My total so far is 42.4. I didn't expect a loss, so it was a surprise. I've eaten nothing but fast food for a week now. No exercise. No veggies. Very little water. But I made good choices were I could (MickeyD's Grilled Chicken Bacon Ranch salads are slammin, 6 pts. for the salad and 2 pts. for the light balsamic vinaigrette). Even if that just meant refraining from eating fries with my burger. I did what I could. I'm expecting the past week to catch up with me on Saturday. I won't beat myself up about it, it was an extremely difficult week and I did the best I could under the circumstances. Now it's time to get back on track.

I lost 2.2 this week. I needed to lose 1.6 to get my 40 lb. star. I had a little left to spare. I got really emotional about it, I'm still not sure why.

I've been up since about 5:15 this morning. It sucks, but I did get most everything done this morning that I needed to do this afternoon. I wasn't at the salon as long as I thought I would be too (I'm loving my hair!). So I think I may go garage saling (especially since it's not humid out!). I could use the walking since we have that wedding to go to tonight and I'll probably be eating more than I normally would.

Someone did the following AOL search and hit my site:

i like to make kids fat so i can eat them with pics

Allrighty then. Somebody needs therapy.

I am sitting here with toothpaste on my nose. I have a huge, honkin zit right on the side of my nose. Ugh. I'm telling you, I'm falling apart in my old age. I used to have beautiful skin. No blemishes, no pimples, not dry, not oily, just perfect. I sailed through those hormonal teenage years with nary a pimple in sight. And I won't even get into what the rosacea is doing to my skin....suffice it to say I look like a drunk with high blood pressure and a nasty rash.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hoping to get that 40 lb. star tomorrow. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't obsessing just a tad, even though I said I wouldn't. I'd be lying if I said I'm scared that my scale hasn't shown any loss for the week (could go either way, small loss, small gain, maintain...I dunno). All that could change tomorrow morning, for the better or worse. I really hate things that are beyond my control.

I have a busy day tomorrow. I have to leave WW and head right over to get my hair cut/colored etc. We have a family wedding tomorrow. I have to get the kids packed up to go to Biggie B's. I really hate leaving them for so long, even though I know how much they're looking forward to it (I've been hearing, "I wanna go to Aunt Brenna's (Lauren doesn't pronounce the "d")" over and over again). I'm not worried about them, I'm just not used to being away from them for 5-6 hours. I have to shower before I leave for WW because Jen is going to blow my hair out straight once she's done fussing with it and I won't be able to go near water. If I do, my hair will explode. Damn curly hair.

I think I may even take some full body pictures tomorrow once I'm all gussied up, so if they're decent and I'm feeling brave, I may post one.

Send some positive vibes this way that when I wake up tomorrow, the toothpaste will have magically made my pimple disappear.

Well then....you certainly can't see my nearly 40 lb. weight loss when I'm in a bathing suit. Yuck. Why did I do that?

I love my DH, really I do.

But is it too much to expect him to be responsible for his clothing? We have a wedding to go to tomorrow. I asked him on Monday if his suit/shirt needed to be drycleaned. He told me he would look. I asked him on Wednesday if he had looked, he hadn't but told me he would. And that he was pretty certain the suit was drycleaned the last time he wore it.

He never looked. Now I need to find a place that will clean it today, AND I need to go buy him a new shirt. I looked through his shirts (most of which are now in the garbage), and the two half way decent ones that I pulled out aren't clean enough for me.

Natural consequences....I should have just let him look at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow night and realize that the suit was not clean and had dog hair all over it, and his shirts were unpressed, yellow and had ring around the collar. But then *I* would have had to go with him looking like that, and that just wasn't going to happen.

I know he could be doing worse things...but really, he couldn't have looked on Monday when he said he would?

I'm going to do something really unusual for me, I'm going to turn off the computer for the day. Every once in a while I just feel the need to get away from it. I really want to do some reading and I have mountains of laundry that need to be done. It's a rainy day, perfect for doing what I intend to do. I've already exercised, I did about 35 minutes on the treadmill (at a very brisk...at least for me, 3.8 MPH) and then a few minutes with my hand weights. I love being able to exercise in the morning. For one, I feel like it starts my day off right. And the other...I'm glad when it's done and I don't have it hanging over my head for the entire day. I've already gotten in half of my water requirements and it's not even 10:30. I'm headed for a great day.

I'm posting this picture I took of Lauren this morning. She looks pudgy because she has a baby stuffed under her dress (don't mind the rainboots and fake tattoos, LOL!) that she is nuh-sing. She's also reading the baby a very old book my LLL leader gave me called The Rights of Infants. Don't mind the mess. That pile of magazines and books behind her is my LLL pile, and the things hanging over her head are from my eBay pile (I *SO* need to get things listed). Ain't she cute???!!!